I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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