I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
