I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
