I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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