Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
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We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
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In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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