he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
