I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
