slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
