I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
