Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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