The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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