the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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