There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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