you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
