Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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