I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
