I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
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You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
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Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
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