My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
