If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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