I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
