Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
