What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
