Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
