i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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