I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
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He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
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New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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