dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
