No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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