I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
