Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
