All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
