The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
