You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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