Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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