how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
