You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
