I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
