So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
