She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
