Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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