I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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