So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
