I will die if light touches me.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
