There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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