Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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