Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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