got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I think people are normalizing furries
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
