Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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