My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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