Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize