I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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