my sisters under your porch take her home
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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