Your dad touched me again.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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