Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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