my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
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I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
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ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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