Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
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My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
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Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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