The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
No he was cute and I said yes!
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.