I just threw up on my dentist
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
