I heard we made out
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
