I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
