Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
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She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
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I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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