Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
